Don't Believe Anything You Read...

When I was traveling for work last week with a co-worker, she shared an e-mail from Human Resources that her boss had sent out to their entire team. Now, the e-mail was a complete joke...and here is the best part: the punch line is that nobody on her team really got it!!!! They thought it was real - a few were even pissed off. I don't have a copy of the e-mail she showed me, but I found a virtually identical version online, and have included it here. I, for one, laughed my a** off at it! well, I guess we have at least one department at my company that has a bit of a cursing problem...

MEMORANDUM

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received, this will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases have been provided so that a proper exchange of ideas & information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offense.

TRY SAYING - Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF - And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING - I'm certain that that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF - No f**king way.

TRY SAYING - Really?
INSTEAD OF - You've got to be sh**ting me.

TRY SAYING - Perhaps you should check with ___________.
INSTEAD OF - Tell someone who gives a sh**.

TRY SAYING - I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF - It's not my f**king problem.

TRY SAYING - That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF - What the f**k!

TRY SAYING - I'm not sure that this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF - This sh** won't work.

TRY SAYING - I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF - Why the f**k didn't you tell me sooner.

TRY SAYING - He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF - He's got his head up his a**.

TRY SAYING - Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF - Eat sh** & die motherf**ker.

TRY SAYING - So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF - Kiss my a**.

TRY SAYING - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF - F**k off, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING - Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF - Great, another f**cking meeting.

TRY SAYING - He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF - He's a f**cking prick!

TRY SAYING - She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF - She's a f**cking bi**ch.

TRY SAYING - I don't think you quite understand.
INSTEAD OF - Shove it up your a**.

TRY SAYING - Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF - Who the f**ck cares?

TRY SAYING - I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF - This f**king job sucks.

TRY SAYING - You want me to take care of that.
INSTEAD OF - Who the f**k died & made you the boss?

TRY SAYING - I see.
INSTEAD OF - F**k me.

TRY SAYING - I think you could use a little more training.
INSTEAD OF - You don't know what the f**k you're doing.

Thank you,
Human Resources

Got Bail Bonds?

For people that are in need of a bail bondsman to get a friend or family member out of jail, there is a company in Minnesota called A-Alliance Bail Bonds that you should definitely check out. They serve the entire State of Minnesota, and are available and on call 24-7.

What separates the folks at A-Alliance is their customer service. Let's be honest - bailing someone out is not glamorous or exciting - it's stressful and embarassing. These folks understand that, answer your questions, and put you at ease with what you need to do. Check out their website:

http://www.bailbondsminnesota.com/index.html

...and stay out of trouble!

Oh, so yummy!

This morning my daughter (age...almost 12) made breakfast for the fam and some visiting friends, and it was great! It was a recipe that she got from her Grandma (my Mom):

Baked Oatmeal

1/2 Cup Oil or Butter
1 Cup Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
3 Cups Uncooked Oatmeal (not instant)
1 Cup Milk
2 Tablespoons Baking Powder

Mix the first 3 ingredients well, then add all remaining ingredients. Bake in an ungreased casserole for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Serve with warm milk and cinnamon.

Last night we watched the UFC Pay-per-view event where Brock Lesnar fought Heath Herring. Of course we were rooting for Lesnar, who was the 2000 National Heavyweight wrestling champ for the MN Golden Gophers and now makes his home in Minneapolis, MN. Watching that stuff is terrible, but it's kind of like a wreck...you just can't look away! Brock was making meatloaf out of this guy Herring's face and he was bleeding all over the place, but the fight went all three rounds. We were all pretty thrilled when Lesnar came out with the victory by unanimous decision - only his second mixed martial arts fight and he kicked the crap out of a guy that has had over 40 MMA fights - most of them victories. His first words after winning were, "do you see me now?!"...uh, yeah - like we had a choice there Big Guy!

Little Dreamer

This is a picture of my middle daughter (not current, but I love this picture). When she was little we used to ask her, "What is your favorite subject?" and her answer was always "talking". I can assure you that not much has changed there! What she likes to talk about now are all of the dreams that she has for what she'd like to be when she grows up. Here is a partial list: a pastry chef who bakes the most amazing cakes ever, a food chef (she will need to go to Japan to study), an artist, Shamu's Trainer (sorry Mom, I'm going to have to move to San Diego for a while, but I'll be back), and the next American Idol. This is the girl who very politely, yet firmly told her Grandpa - after he'd thanked her for going swimming with him - "No, Grandpa...YOU went swimming with US". I look at all of our children and feel very lucky to have each one. They are all very different in their own ways, but also all very caring and kind people. I sometimes wonder what their "generational tag" will be - we've got the baby boomers, Gen X, Gen Y, millenials, etc. each with their own set of "characteristics" (stereotypes) that have been formulated to explain how we can interact with, understand, market to, and otherwise classify them...because that is what we do. Things that we don't understand, that don't fit inside of our box scare the crap out of us! So, we spend billions of dollars and devote some of the most talented minds of our [generation to figure that stuff out. I guess it's human nature - it's definitely mine. Whatever we figure out, & whatever conclusions we draw there are a few certainties: 1) Someone will always prove you wrong, 2) at the end of the day there's nothing new under the sun, and 3) people will be people, and as such the only box that truly exists is the one we dream up. I guess all that there is left to do is to live and learn....and enjoy the journey.

Borrowed Cat

We live out in the country, and from time to time our neighbor's cat wanders over. She's a very nice cat, and my kids like to pretend for a moment that she's ours. They even named it Rory (apparently that's from the Gilmore Girls)! They like to give Rory (isn't that a boys name anyways?) milk, water, our dog's food, & wrap her in a blanket like she's a little baby. Some days they even get bold enough to ask if they can keep her as their own. Since my husband hates cats we all know that isn't going to happen - but they dare to dream.

When we were driving to town the other day we saw someone's pet cat smooshed on the side of the road, and that was sad. :-( My daughter didn't think it was funny at all when I said that maybe we should put a sign by it that said, "Free Cat". Hey, it wasn't my idea - I saw it on the Internet!!!!

Crazy Cancer Facts

I didn't know this, but each year the American Cancer Society publishes a huge report about how many people have cancer in the U.S. The 2008 report estimates that over 1.4 million new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in 2008 - that's pretty freakin' scary!

Some things that really struck me as I read this:

• 34% of people of Hispanic and 32% of American Indian/Alaskan descent don't have health coverage.
• African Americans are more likely to develop and die from cancer than any other racial or ethnic group
• Cancer risk is inversely related to socioeconomic status - financially-strapped people with less education have higher cancer rates.
• Women over 40 need to get mammograms, but the number who do is decreasing (70.1% in 2000 to 66.4% in 2005 according to the National Health Survey)

What isn't a surprise at all:

• Smoking can increase your risk of cancer, and chewing tobacco is no better.
• Use sunscreen when you're outside or you have higher risk of skin cancer.
• The overall rate of Americans that have health coverage is lackluster, and don't even get me started on how many people squeak by because they can barely afford the coverage they have.

If you have a moment, or a family history, take a read:

http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/2008CAFFfinalsecured.pdf

Sunset Off the Front Porch

Last week I took this picture off of our front porch with my camera phone. It doesn't do the view justice at all.

Looking out at this scene is calming because it truly puts your own thoughts, stresses, and daily obsessions into perspective...there's a lot more out there than just little old us, and a larger force at work!

I get a daily quote on iGoogle, and one of them today was from someone named Jeanne Phillips, and it was "All the world's a cage". I don't know who Jeanne is, but I think she should stop over for a visit. We'll sit on the front porch, have a cold one, and admire this cage together...because from where I'm sitting, it's looking pretty good.

Settling In

My family & moved into our newly-constructed house a little over a month ago. We designed it ourselves and are very happy with the way that it has turned out! My husband is in the process of installing a huge, elaborate sprinkler system all on his own without any assistance (even mine). It's quite the ambitious project, and we hope it works well!

We moved halfway across the country back to my home state of MN because we wanted to be near family & have a great place to raise our family. The kids are liking it a lot so far, but they miss their friends a lot. Yesterday my little girl asked me if we had a family website & I told her no - so I thought a blog would be a good alternative.

So, here it is....blog #1!